Chairs, Comments & Kurosaki Ichigo Kurosaki Ichigo
by mayonakanotaiyou
Summary: A oneshot exploring the insane mind of the 11 bantai taichou with no sense of direction, Zaraki Kenpachi. Yes, I know Kurosaki Ichigo is written twice. Read to find out why!


**Disclaimer**: Bleach belongs to Kubo Taito…yes, yes, on with the story!

**Author's Note**: I _love_ Zaraki Kenpachi. I have not met a single person that does not love the crazy entity that is known as Zaraki Kenpachi. This is just a one-shot I thought I'm using to work on my characterization and explore what goes on in that insane head of his. He's not a complex person like Ichigo or Hitsugaya, but I love him all the same. This is only my second fic, so _any sort of feedback would be greatly appreciated_! Yoroshiku!

**Chairs, Comments, & Kurosaki Ichigo…Kurosaki Ichigo**

Zaraki Kenpachi was bored sitting in his throne like chair at his beautifully furnished desk. He had been staring menacingly at the wall scroll in his office that read, 'To lose is to die' for the past 10 minutes. Sitting in this chair forced him to sit up straight. He hated sitting up straight. He personally didn't see a problem with slouching.

"_They just had to go and change the fuckin' chairs AGAIN!_" he thought miserably. "_I liked the old chairs better! Goddamn Shinigami Women's Association and their 'spinal dysfunction something or another.' They just HAD to go and change the fucking chairs for their stupid awareness program!"_

They had changed the chair one week ago. Then Yumichika came into his office a few days ago to turn in some sort of request form. He was about to put it in the 'Taichou In-tray (heart)' that he Yumichika had made, when suddenly he looked at the chair Kenpachi was sitting on and nearly had a heart attack—well, if he could have a heart attack. Yumichika was opposed to the idea of dying with such a 'horrid expression' on his face. He was convinced that a heart attack would give him wrinkles in the afterlife so he hoped that whatever killed him preserved his beauty.

Anyway, Yumichika saw the chair and immediately ran out shouting. Kenpachi, used to the drama, ignored him and stood up to look for some ink. Moments later, Yumichika returned with three other shinigami, who rushed in, took Kenpachi's chair, put it outside and bought in a bubblegum pink version of the exact same chair.

Yumichika smiled at him and told him that this chair suited his office better than the one he had previously. Kenpachi rolled his eyes and resumed looking for his ink. Now one would think that he, being the captain of the fiercest and most bloodthirsty bantai, would have been up in arms at the replacement of his chair to such a girly color. Kenpachi _would have been _furious—had he actually **_known _**that the chair was pink.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Zaraki Kenpachi was colorblind. It took him three days to realize—actually Yachiru pointed it out to him—unintentionally of course, that the chair was the same color as her hair. She asked if she could have it since they matched so well and even was so kind as to put her head next to the chair for effect.

Kenpachi hunted Yumichika down, hurling the remainder of the ink he had finally been able locate at Yumichika. He then stomped off shouting that the next time that Yumichika decided to change his furniture, it better be one color—black. But for the time being, he was stuck in a large, pink, straight-backed chair to correct his 'slouching tendencies' until a new one could be ordered for him.

Kenpachi sighed and looked at the reports that Yachiru had put on his desk. She had written in crayon that he was supposed to sign the reports and give them to the 'Pachinko head' (Ikkaku) to turn in. Yachiru prides herself in saying that 11-bantai was a highly organized and sophisticated operation. She, as his fukutaichou, takes great pride in 'organizing' everything for him.

First, she takes all the reports that the Soul Society gave them to work on and puts them on Yumichika's desk. After Yumichika is done doing all the dirty work, he brings them back to Yachiru, who stamps her name all over the reports and draws 'visual aids' for the 'Body-building Confucius' (Yamamoto-Soutaichou). Then she puts them on Ken-chan's desk for him to comment on and sign before returning to collect them to give to the 'Pachinko head.'

He thought she did a good job of organizing everything, but the goddamn bastards in the office always got so upset that he never turned anything in 'on time.' 'Time' was a concept for humans, who try to cram so much into their short lives, like those friends of Kurosaki Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo. That name made every bone and every nerve of his body tingle with excitement. He respected the guy so much he had to say his name twice whenever he mentioned the spiky haired shinigami.

His thoughts drifted to a certain loud-mouthed shinigami, wondering what he was doing now and when he was coming to the Soul Society again. The last time Kurosaki Ichigo…Kurosaki Ichigo came to the Soul Society, Kenpachi remembered just trying to _find _the sneaky bastard was a challenge.

—_Two weeks ago--_

He had felt the burst of reiatsu coming from the area right near the 13-bantai headquarters the minute the Zangetsu-wielding shinigami stepped into the Soul Society. Kenpachi at the time was brainwashing the new recruits and having them repeat the motto of 11-bantai, 'to lose is to die.' But when he felt the burst of reiatsu, Kenpachi, anxious for another fight, broke down the door, put Ikkaku in charge of the brainwashing, and went off in search of Kurosaki Ichigo. Kurosaki Ichigo.

But as luck would have it, due to his superior sense of direction, or rather lack thereof, by the time he got to the 13-bantai headquarters, the lower-ranking 13-bantai members fearfully told him that Ukitake had left over an hour ago heading for the 4-bantai headquarters for his checkup with Rukia and Kurosaki Ichigo…Kurosaki Ichigo accompanying him.

Kenpachi cursed his luck and in his haste, ended up running in the opposite direction of the 4-bantai headquarters. He arrived at 12-bantai headquarters, pissed at the realization that he had gone completely in the opposite direction. He ran back and finally arrived at the 4-bantai headquarters two hours later only to find Ukitake flirting with the nurses shamelessly with his partner in crime, Shunsui, who was clearly pretending to be suffering from a sprained ankle.

He pushed Shunsui out of the way and right at the feet of an angry Nanao, and demanded to know where Kurosaki Ichigo…Kurosaki Ichigo had gone. Ukitake replied that he and Rukia had just returned to the real world for a school function. He had been so close to challenging that moody shinigami. He had sworn the next time Kurosaki Ichigo…Kurosaki Ichigo came; he would challenge him to a fight before Ikkaku got to him.

Kenpachi grinned to himself at the prospect before settling his eyes on the mountain of paperwork on his desk. He promptly frowned, realizing that he had done nothing since he sat down.

"_Che. Stupid chair. Decreases productivity,"_ he thought to himself grumpily, as he looked at the page the report had been opened to.

'Approved by:'

'11-bantai fukutaichou: Kusajishi Yachiru KuSAjiShi yAcHiRu (KUSAJISHI)'

Yachiru had written her name on the line in crayon with the 'K' and 'S' backwards as usual (1) and stamped her last name with her hanko (2) next to it. Around her name, she had drawn a picture of an upside-down tangarine fish eating a polka-dotted turquoise and purple cow. Then he looked down at the area for him to sign.

'11-bantai taichou: Zaraki Kenpachi (SIGN HERE) (PRESS HANKO HERE)'

'Comments: (Mandatory for all taichou)'

Kenpachi rolled his eyes at the last remark. He _hated _the fact that he had to comment on everything. Why couldn't he just sign his name and be done with it? The stupid old geezer had already told all the captains in their general meeting yesterday that reflection was important and that aside from simply signing one's name, it was important to reflect on what has happened and what should be done as high-ranking—blah, blah, blah. Therefore, there were now spaces on the reports for 'reflection.'

By now, the 11-bantai taichou was beyond pissed. He wanted to fight, but there was no one here worth challenging. He was stuck doing paperwork that was due yesterday and now he realized that because he threw the ink at Yumichika, he no longer had any ink. He picked up the fude (pronounced FOO-DAY) that had rolled under his reports and realized that the stupid writing brush had been sitting under his reports so long that the bristles would not form a point. So even if he wanted to sign the goddamn reports he couldn't because the only brush he had was busted.

Irritated, he slammed the brush down, picked up his sword, walked to the window, and jumped out from the second story window of his office. He landed on the ground on his feet with a thud and began walking away from the 11-bantai headquarters.

A gentle breeze blew through the Soul Society, rustling the bells in his spiked hair slightly. He intended to go to the practice hall that was just on the other side of the 11-bantai headquarters to relieve some pent up energy, but some stupid members from another squad distracted him and broke his concentration when they saw him and began running in the opposite direction in terror. Disoriented, he got lost and ended up in some forest outside the inner part of the Soul Society.

Kenpachi, refusing to admit that he was once again lost, continued to wander about the forest until he reached a small clearing and a hill from which he could see the buildings that made up the central part of the Soul Society. He could have sworn he passed the same bush and flower patch three times before reaching this clearing, but now from where he stood, he simply had to run down the hill and he was at the gate of the Soul Society.

Elated at this fact, but exhausted from his walk, he threw down his sword and plopped himself onto a tree stump. While he wasn't an avid observer of nature, he did stop to take the opportunity to enjoy the shade of the surrounding trees and shrubbery, the breeze and the rustling of the leaves. Well, he enjoyed the rustling of the leaves until the leaves started falling en masse onto him. Until then, he had been thinking—not about anything in particular, just thinking. Actually, he was well aware that he had been thinking. That, combined with the tree littering its leaves onto him, started to piss him off again.

He hated thinking almost as much as he hated kidou-based zanpakutou, wimps like Tousen, and natto (3). This tree was really starting to get to him, so he picked up his nameless zanpakutou and was just about to clear the forestry that surrounded him for a mile radius, when he felt a jolt of reiatsu.

When he looked at the sky, he saw a bright light falling from the Western part of the darkening sky. The western part of the sky was under Urahara Kisuke and therefore could only mean one thing. Kenpachi grinned wickedly, and grinned even wider when he noticed that the falling 'intruder' emitted a huge amount of reiatsu as it landed in the Soul Society, a huge amount that could be none other than—

"Kurosaki Ichigo. KUROSAKI ICHIGO, this time we're definitely going to fight. I want a rematch, so don't you go anywhere!" he shouted as he sprinted wildly down the hill at full speed, tattered haori flapping wildly with his zanpakutou at his side stirring up dirt, his bells tinkling in excitement as he ran towards the massive walls of the Soul Society.

--End--

**Author's Notes**

(1)The reason why I used a toggled case for Yachiru was because that was the closest equivalent I could think of to making the kanji and hiragana for her name appear unbalanced. Had I written this in Japanese, the "ji" and "shi" would have been written backwards instead of the 'S' and the 'K' for a childish effect.

(2)Hanko is the little round seal bearing the last name in kanji of the owner usually made out of marble or some other stone and stamped in red ink that Japanese people use to sign official documents.

(2)I don't know what you call natto in English, but it's that sticky sort of stringy fermented bean thing that smells really bad, but is supposedly really good for your health. Do an image search on it using a search engine like Google or something if you still don't know what it is.


End file.
